im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
