I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
