but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
