My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
