plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
