You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
