Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize