I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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