I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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