I'm so fucking centered right now
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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