Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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