Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
