My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
