Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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