yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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