Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
