I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize