in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
