Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
