Got a toothbrush?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
