All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
