Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
BRING THE BAGELS
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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