I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
