he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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