i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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