I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The power of my boobs compel you
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
