I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
