i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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