I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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