Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize