last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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