I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
