so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
