If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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