I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
