You smell like a Billy Joel song
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
