So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
