ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
