the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
be right there i have to get my cape
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
