Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
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