seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
