I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize