The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
