This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
