i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
