My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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