She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
