Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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