Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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