found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
