I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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