so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
