Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
