I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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