and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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