I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
