it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
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