I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
