i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
