i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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