need another drink. this is the easiest way
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you would pick up someone in the library
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Randomize
