I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
